So She Exists
by ser3ne eternity
Summary: After Diary Arc:I tell myself it's nothing. That nagging feeling isn't the sense of jealousy. Being jealous would imply being insecure. And I'm neither of those. Somehow, I don't quite believe myself. When did you start meaning so much more Kagome? ONHOLD
1. Chapter 1

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**So She Exists  
**.confessions.arc.

_-ser3ne eternity._

_Summary:_

_I tell myself it's nothing. That nagging feeling isn't the foreboding sense of jealousy at all. Being jealous would imply being insecure. And I am neither of those. Somehow, I don't think I quite believe myself. Damn it. When did you start meaning so much more, Kagome?_

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**Chapter 1**

Kagome. Ka-go-me.

I raised my brow at the distant look on Kagome's face.

Hmm.

I'd never seen her expression look so wistfully dream-like.

If I were being completely honest, I could admit that I'm worried. Extremely worried. She's been acting strange, and not at all like herself. Come to think of it, she hasn't been herself since the month started.

I wonder what she's not telling me. Something's..._changed_. She's not the same. I don't know how to explain it, but she's different. This is probably one of the first times where I haven't been able to read her. I always know what she's thinking and the same goes with her for me. We were strangely different in some ways, but we balanced each other out. We worked well together. So what changed? She doesn't tell me what she's thinking anymore—like I said, I can't read her anymore—even though I nearly almost always read her mind correctly, I never had to try very often as she would often tell me herself.

But she's been quiet. Almost eerily quiet.

I counted on her to be straight with me, to tell me exactly what she was thinking since everybody else felt the need to shower me with praise. I could count on her honesty. I could count on her to be there, where I needed her. And I wouldn't have to worry about shallow nuisances because I was used to seeing her blunt and logical—it was one of the reasons we'd managed to stay friends for so long because of course, I'd have ran like a bat shot out of hell if she were even remotely close to acting like the fool...or even worse.

A fangirl.

It worried me that she seemed much more prone to daydreaming in class—especially today of all days, the last day before winter break begins for the Christmas holidays—she's usually much more focused than this. Then again, maybe the excitement of the holidays is getting to her. She's always enjoyed that kind of thing. Except...she doesn't _seem_ excited though...

If I were any less assured of myself, I might've thought I didn't even recognize her anymore. But that's ridiculous. I've known Kagome since preschool days—and as undignifying as it is to remember a mini-me fooling around with crayons of all things—I remember. Throughout the time I'd known Kagome, her personality has always contradicted itself with her many traits.

But surprisingly some way, somehow, the disorder and indescribable quality suited her.

There would be her endless forgiveness. How she can be so goddamn nice sometimes, I'll never know. And her boundless patience for Kouga—despite us being friends, that lowly wolf shouldn't be constantly asking her out like that. And she always _smiles at him!_

Because really, _of course_ that would discourage him. You're not sending him mixed signals at all. I rolled my eyes.

And then there was that sharp tongue of hers. She can say the most pride wounding things sometimes. I should know—she's used me for practice.

Not only was she good with comebacks, she's basically my intellectual equal. Which is good, because I need someone I can have an intelligent conversation with instead of little underclassmen constantly grovelling or stuttering in my prescence. And the girls, oh dear Kami, the girls at this school are the most annoying female specimens I've ever had the displeasure of being stuck around. Especially that damn Kagura—Kagome doesn't get along with her either.

It would take too long to name all of her traits. I suppose if I were to simplify it I would say she was all things beautiful and ugly, all the same. Her quality of imperfection is what I like about her considering I'm not fond of pathetic media expectations. Really though, she's always reminded me of the elements—always changing and never staying in one place, yet managing to balance things gracefully and take things in stride. A survivor at heart, spiritedly tempered, thoughtful and serene and of course, perceptive beyond measure.

There's always been something about her that's kept me around...but now...

Now I just want to know what the hell is wrong with her.

--

The bell rang, and the scrape of chairs pushing back hurt my ears while I shrugged my bag on. Kagome had already walked out the door and when I looked at Sango and Inuyasha curiously, they both gave a simultaneous shrug while Miroku whistled feigning innocence. My eyes narrowed. I glanced at Ayame, but looked away quickly. I didn't need to know that she and Kouga were official. It was only the first thing I heard when I walked into school this morning. It's almost sickening how Kouga coos over her every whim. Tch, silly wolves.

Still though, they know something. I can tell. You don't spend your whole life around people not getting to know them, no matter how much you'd rather not bother. I wonder if she was avoiding me. I wonder if they _know_ she's avoiding me and _why_. Why won't anyone tell me what's going on? One minute everything was fine, and now it seems as though everything's fast forwarded while I blinked or something and I missed the memo that everyone else seemed to have gotten already.

This disturbed me because I wasn't known for being ignorant. It made me increasingly frustrated, not knowing something. Part of me wants to demand that Kagome tell me what the hell is wrong with her, or if it was something I did or anything, another part though can't stand the thought of asking someone to tell me simply because I hate not figuring things out for myself. Maybe it was fickle of me to be so, and while I understood that some things just aren't meant to be spoken of and should remain a secret, I couldn't ignore the urge to investigate. I know curiousity is a dangerous thing sometimes, but I could care less.

I'm not a cat, after all.

And what could possibly go wrong...?

Perhaps I shouldn't say things like that. Kagome's always saying that irony tends to occur when you least expect it—and almost always, it usually makes an appearance simply for the satisfaction of humiliation at your own expense. Despite all this though, I don't think I can stop myself from trying to find out anymore. I've given up on exercising self-control when it comes to Kagome, _but _she is the only exception. I don't know why, but I've stopped questioning it after the many headaches I've endured trying to trace the reason for it. I tried to go after her, but realized that she'd already disappeared beyond the slowly closing door at the end of the lockers. I know she saw me.

She didn't look back.

I recalled all the times where she'd been looking at me differently the past few weeks. Something in her eyes that was a little more observing, more intense...not nearly as casual or with the practiced ease of meeting the eyes of a friend you've had for years. And the things she's murmured under her breath in one of her hazes, always sounding so longing and confused. But she's never said a word. I can't understand what she's going through, but I can see the beginning of something happening.

I'm not sure I like it. I blink contemplatively, before I turn around all together.

She was going in the opposite direction of her house. And she did not beg for the customary ride I always give her, regardless of if she wants one or not. Yes, there's something not right about the way she's been lately at all. But I can't even begin to fathom all the possibilities of her behaviour.

Is there an issue with Souta's health? Has she been doing poorly in a subject at school? Is her supervisor giving her trouble?

Or is there a boy she's interested in...?

I shake my head. The first three might be understandable explanations to her worrying, but the last notion is simply preposterous. I would know who it is that she's interested in, if there _was _someone she was interested in. I know all the things to look for in our reactions to the opposite sex. Yet even as I tell myself that it can't be that, for some reason just thinking the thought betrays a feeling that sounds laughingly like denial.

Whether she wants me to know or not, I _will_ find out what's going on with her. And with this is in mind, I've decided that if I'm a man of my word, then I'll have her figured out once more by Christmas. If not sooner.

Kagome may work in mysterious ways...

But so do I.

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_Hey guys! So here's the first chapter to the sequel of 'If You Could Only See Me'. Hope you enjoyed it. I haven't yet decided how long I'm going to make this, but if I decide to make it longer than 10 chapters than I'll alternate between the character's points of views, probably between Sesshoumaru and Kagome. I feel kinda bad for making Kagome's story so short, but I felt that I needed the intro. I may re-edit this chapter...So yeah, drop a review if you'd like since you know I always love hearing from you guys. Till next chapter._

_-ser3._


	2. Chapter 2

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**So She Exists  
**.confessions.arc.

_-ser3ne eternity._

_Summary:_

_I tell myself it's nothing. That nagging feeling isn't the foreboding sense of jealousy at all. Being jealous would imply being insecure. And I am neither of those. Yet somehow, I don't think I quite believe myself. Damn it. When did you start meaning so much more, Kagome?_

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**Chapter 2**

"Sango."

Surprised, Sango turned around from where she was walking towards her home, only to see Sesshomaru call out to her. He was a few feet way, but his naturally long stride allowed him to align with her left side easily. Out of courtesy, he grabbed the groceries from her left hand easily, the weight not bothering him at all with his demonic strength. As he did so, Sango thanked him and took the time to observe his features. It was strange, how after years there were still a lot of things about him that remained unchanged.

His personality was as calm and reserved as ever, and though they were good enough friends, Sango had to wonder if he showed any emotion at all save for the routine disdain for loud noises and unspoken confidence in himself. He still looked the same for the most part as well.

There was still the same incandescent hair, the smoldering amber eyes and the marks of his demonic heritage, but his hair wasn't quite the same.

When they were younger—Sesshomaru had had long hair. It would graze the floor of their preschool classroom and trail after him in a stunning display of silver that glinted in the sunlight. As they grew older and Sesshomaru matured along with his voice, he chose to cut his hair short, only allowing it to grace the nape of his neck while keeping his long bangs the way they were. Sango had never understood the reason for why he cut his hair, but she did remember that Kagome had teased him about it one day and a few days later—it was gone.

She wasn't there to see it happen.

It had shocked them all, when they saw Sesshomaru come to school when they were all sixteen, with his hair to his ears. To be sure, it had only enhanced his appeal as it made way for his high and regal cheekbones and Adonis-like markings. He had always seemed to take pride in his looks but who knew, she shrugged. Kagome had always had a lot of sway over Sesshomaru, despite the fact that he hated to admit it. She smirked, her and Inuyasha agreed that his high and mighty brother was cracked and whipped.

He just didn't know it yet.

Besides, she snickered to remember Kagome's less than agreeable behaviour at the time and Sesshomaru's increased agitation, the fangirls had certainly loved it. It amazed her really, how two people so obviously into each other and completey perfect for each other could be so blindly oblivious. It was rather ironic, considering Sesshomaru and Kagome were the two most perceptive people she knew. Miroku probably could count as one as well—but he was always so busy being a stupid pervert.

Sesshomaru raised a brow at the Sango's sudden heated expression.

"What are you thinking?"

They had been walking in companionable silence, practiced from years of knowing one another when he suddenly sensed Sango's aura become tinged with irritation. Sango wasn't quite as close to him as Kagome was, but he still valued her friendship. Honestly, she had unknowingly amused him and slightly lifted the tension from his shoulders simply by expressing her emotions clear enough for him to sift through them with his heightened sense of smell.

Sango flushed guiltily. "No-nothing."

She gulped under Sesshomaru's piercing gaze and quickly changed the subject, "So, what's up?"

Was it him, or was a voice a little too high?

But all too quickly, she saw the worry come pooling into his gaze and she immediately knew what was bothering him. It wasn't often that one could read Sesshomaru's thoughts or expressions but on the rare occasion where he didn't put a front up you would immediately know something was wrong. There was rarely any situation in which Sesshomaru didn't have a poker face.

"You're thinking about Kagome," she said with a knowing gaze and Sesshomaru glanced at her before returning his gaze forward.

He wondered if there was any way to answer that without the less than desired implications that came with it. He didn't feel like going through the trouble of dealing with people and their tendency to gossip about business that wasn't their own.

But then he thought of Kagome.

She'd been smiling more softly lately, laughing with her eyes instead of her mouth, nor was she as loud or witty as she used to be lately. Lately, it seemed that even though she still possessed the same liveliness she had before, it had toned down to something more subtle, something more expressive even though it was silent. There was something in her eyes—like she knew something he didn't. Kagome was more important than those fools he didn't care about anyway.

"Yes," he decided.

There was no point denying it, if he wanted to figure what was wrong with Kagome.

Sango raised her brow—she hadn't expected it to be so easy.

A little prodding was necessary. After all, Sango thought this was just rich. She couldn't pass up the chance to see Sesshomaru of all people admit something. Then again though, she should be more respectful. This was _Sesshomaru_. Sesshomaru rarely talked about his feelings with anyone but Kagome. But now that Kagome had been acting distant ever since the whole diary thing she had suggested, Sesshomaru had obviously sought her out, knowing her to be Kagome's closest friend other than him.

She sighed, knowing that he was trusting her with this.

"And...?"

"Is something wrong with her?"

She blinked. That was rather unexpected.

"Because I don't know what's wrong with her," he continued, "and she won't tell me. No one will."

What little resistance Sango had left, desiring amusement melted instantly when she detected the hint of frustration evident in Sesshomaru's quiet tone. He never got ruffled. Sesshomaru was unruffable.

But when it came to Kagome she mused, he was so prone to freaking out.

So much for enjoying this then.

"There's nothing wrong with Kagome-chan...there are just some things she wants to figure out for herself."

Sesshomaru scoffed.

"Like what? She's always nagging me to talk to her about things, and now that there's something going on with her she won't tell me."

_Oh, if he only knew._

"That's probably because she took a page from your book," Sango replied, giving him a pointed look.

At least he had the grace to look a bit sheepish.

"There's something she's not telling me though," he insisted, "why won't she tell me?"

Sango turned away dubiously. Why was he suddenly so antsy about everything?

"I guess...she's not ready to yet."

She glanced at him through the corner of her eye, surprised to see him staring at her with his full attention, dissecting her reply to the core. Okay, so maybe she knew more than she was letting on but in her defense, Kagome really hadn't figured out the depth of her feelings yet. So how was she supposed to tell him based on an assumption? Assuming things always led to bad things, bad _embarrassing_ things. She'd already forced the whole diary idea onto her friend, she didn't think it'd go over as well if she acidentally told her crush that she might love him.

The crush that was her best friend.

Sango could just imagine the look of justified anger sparking in her friend's stormy blue eyes. She shuddered. Kagome was even scarier than her.

"She acts different around me," he said suddenly.

Sango stopped walking. Sesshomaru paused, gauging her reaction.

"Different...how?"

"She...there's something about the way she looks at me. Have you noticed?"

_And the way it makes me all twised up inside._

But he didn't say that.

When Sango looked back at Sesshomaru, she saw the glazed look in his eye—there was uncertainty and an underlying sense of fearful hopefulness. A strange combination, to be sure. So what was she supposed to say to that? Sango was confident when it came to her self-esteem, sports and being the loyal, supportive friend—but being a matchmaker? She was entirely new to this whole thing. Not even the wintry season could prevent the cold sweat that ran down her back in eerily.

"Uhh..." Sango floundered for a few seconds before pointing off into the distance rather moronically. "Look, there's my house!"

Sesshomaru looked dumbfounded and if she hadn't felt so panicked to get away knowing his persistent nature, she would've paused long enough to laugh at it. But as it was, she grabbed the bags he had so kindly offered to carry and sprinted the rest of the way to her house, waving haphazardly behind her as she minded her steps on the snowy sidewalk.

It would suck if she got injured on Christmas, after all. Especially since she'd spent the whole day buying presents for her family and friends and writing that list to make sure she got the right things.

"Gotta go! Sorry, Sesshomaru...and thanks for carrying my bags!" she yelled, grinning.

Sesshomaru growled in annoyance, knowing she heard it when she burst out laughing.

He could've easily caught up to her—he was a demon...! But it would take more effort than it was worth. So, cutting his losses, Sesshomaru turned and stalked back the way home.

He felt a little grateful though, when he heard Sango suggest something even out of pity, however unhelpful it was.

"...uhmm! Just think about all the times she's been acting around you...You'll figure it out! You're Sesshomaru!"

He wasn't sure what the last bit was supposed to mean, but he supposed he should be flattered.

--

Okay, so...

At the beginning of December, Kagome was the same as usual.

Temperamental, yet somewhat classy with her words when she was pissed. I snickered. She was definitely much more verbal at the beginning. And then there was that time when Sango gave her a present early and she looked really irritated as far as I could smell, and tell...

Ugh, that rhymed.

Well.

Anyways.

In biology class, I could see her making faces at Kagura behind her back...But that's just something Kagome would do. It's a Kagome thing to do. Besides, not like I minded. Kagura's one of the more shallow fangirls I know, and she irks me to no end. By all means, if a fight broke out between her and Kagome, I would be there up front to see it happen. It would've been something I'd remember forever if it happened—Kami knows there have been one too many close calls. That demoness doesn't know when to take a hint—even with her super senses. She wastes her demonic heritage. It's a shame, really.

Now, if _Kagome_ were a demoness—well, she already has enough suitors the way she is now. If she were a demoness, with her already perfect features...

_Walking into dangerous territory._

I grimaced.

Err...let's not think about it.

Moving on.

She'd said something extremely amusing another day and had managed to make me laugh. It's a rare occurence enough as it is, but with Kagome I don't think it really matters. I don't mind being open with her, considering she'll never say a word. Although, I do admit being confused when I saw her later that day snickering to herself every time she looked me in the eye—and failing miserably to suppress them. I guess I'll have to count my graces and be happy she didn't try and do something stupid like openly humiliate me in front of the rest of ours peers.

Not that it would be unbearable...but, ahem—reputation, after all.

After that though, her sense of humor seemed to dwindle.

But rather than fading, it was like there was a new glow about her.

I sigh.

Remembering.

I never realized how hard it was before since being aware had always been second nature to me. And yet something imporant, something that I am sure is supposed to be significant completely escaped my notice. Normally, this would simply bother me a little bit—maybe give a bit of a nagging feeling at my conscience or at the back of my mind—but I find myself completely more irritated. Something happened to Kagome and I don't know about it! It's not as though I need to know of every detail in her life, but I'm sounding dangerously close to caring too much.

I'm Sesshomaru.

I don't _get_ attached or _irritated_ or _bothered_. I am cool, calm, but most of all, _collected. _

I'm at my wits end. I've tried to think of every possible moment where there was something different about her and the reason why.

But it's just not working.

What the _hell_ is going on?

I lean back in my chair.

Sango's advice didn't do shit for me.

I have to figure out a way to get Kagome to talk.

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_In a bit of a rush, so hope you enjoyed it. Till the next chapter, bye guys!_

_-ser3._


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